Of Mice and Molecules...

Collected writings

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Here we have a collection of true (well, as far as I remember them) stories that have happened to your truly. 

To paraphrase George Costanza: "In conclusion, these stories are not embellished because they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly the story of my life as a  tallish, slow-witted, balding man."

Longer Stuff

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Where The Cats Pee (And Other Adventures With Jarl and Myrtle)​
After taking both a job and a room for rent off Craigslist, the author moves into a home with possibly the least stable family in America. A ten-part, serially told tragicomedy. 


Shorter Stories

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Put 'Em On The Glass

A story in which my pecs instigate a traffic accident. 
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The Undergraduate

An account of the worst "scientist" I ever had the pleasure of working with. 
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Playing Possum

A love story. With seizures and possums. 
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The Vanishing Japanese Porn Mystery

Mysteries abound when a hotel television begins to play pornographic videos. 
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Then We Came To The End

A surprise break-up goes awry on Christmas Eve. 
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​World's Shittiest Book Deal

I write a book and sell it to a publisher to begin my career as a famous writer. Unfortunately, fate has other plans.
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The Bathrobe Maneuver

A disturbing massage leads to an even more disturbing scientific conference. 
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The Lazy Attempted Suicide of Larry Korn

A desperate classmate fakes a suicide attempt. Chinese food ensues. 
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Showdown in Tallinn

Susan fights to the death to get her peanut butter on an Estonian airliner. 
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The Betrayal of Jeb

Unexpected lessons in love and erotic fulfillment. 
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Monkey Brawl Story

A saucy young Noah is tasked with collecting a lab monkey. The situation rapidly devolves.
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The Science Fair

Over several years I judged the Chicago City Science Fair. Others have feted the best presenters; here, we acknowledge the worst. ​
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The Last Telemarketer


​The story of my first (and worst) job as a telemarketer.
 
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The Pudding Experiment

Our poorly-prepared author scrambles to pass a seventh-grade science assignment. 
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Jeb Strikes (Out) Again

Another ill-considered adventure of my unbalanced classmate. 
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