Highly Sexualized Notes from CPR Training

Every couple of years, our administrator signs all of us up for CPR training and no one has the balls to say 'no'. Surprisingly, the training is possibly the best meeting of the year, in terms of pure entertainment. Mainly from the torrent of unintentionally sexual remarks and situations we are bombarded with in the name of saving lives and corporate pseudoresponsibility. 

What follows are my actual notes from two sessions (spanning three years). ​

That's the one. Oh, I'm so going to hell.

Session One 

This one was taught by reasonably hot woman (with the reasonably unhot first name of Gretchen - nice job, parents) who demonstrated gasping/choking with an audiblization highly reminiscent of the female orgasm. Based on the expressions of male colleagues, I was not alone in making this correlation.

Then we were shown a video re-enacting a heart attack and subsequent CPR. The American Heart Association (the benefactors for the course) really scrimped on the acting budget and cinematography. For me to take things seriously, I need gritty realism in my instructional films: panicked swearing, people not doing shit but standing around watching the show, nasty shit flying everywhere, etc. Instead, I get a tidy little infarct in a food court and some quaaluded do-gooders. There were also a few plot holes and continuity errors. After the inevitable heart attack the unconscious victim's shirt was somehow removed with remarkable ease. The one bright spot: there was a high-hat beat laid down when CPR was initiated that was absolutely sizzlin'. Everyone in attendance (and I later verified this) was waiting for other instruments to come in and start the song. 

Quotes best interpreted sexually (all from instructor):

-(On proper CPR force) "Do you know what two inches looks like on somebody?"
-(Same topic) "You only need 1 1/2 inches for a child."
-(On proper chest compressions) "Oh yeah - you really compressed it - nice and deep."
-(On CPR duration) "With the adrenaline that comes in real-life situations, you can go a lot longer and harder."
- (on clearing your own airway) "Sometimes you've gotta take care of yourself if no one else is around." 

Session Two (occurred 2-3 years later) By this point, I was eagerly, if not proudly, taking notes.  

This course was taught by seemingly generic white man. Seemingly; midway through, I noticed that his right hand was misshapen and that his right pointer finger appeared to have been replaced by a toe. With rising horror, I realized that this was his good hand. His left mitt was just like the guy with the withered little peg in Scary Movie 2. It basically a little flipper with a fingerlet or three. It didn't matter, of course, but come on, let's just say it: why on earth would you take a job that brought attention to your deformity? Just thinking of him pounding on a dummy's chest with his tiny, gnarled paw gives me shivers. 

And then I discovered that most people are basically blind. After the class, I brought up the flipper-hand to my colleagues. Not one of them noticed it. In fact, they thought I was kidding until we sent back someone to give the guy his check and confirm it. 

Quotes best interpreted sexually (all from instructor):

-(On technique) "It's better to go too deep than not deep enough. So what if you hurt them by going too deep. They'll thank you later."

There was also this exchange:

Instructor: "What factors should you consider before deciding whether to initiate CPR?"
Noah: (unable to resist honesty) "Whether or not they're too gross to perform CPR on."
Instructor: (nods reluctantly) "Yes... but what else?"

There was a new video this year. AHA jazzed it up with a little interracial man-on-man CPR. But not too edgy - something tells me we'll never see a bare-breasted, fifty-something ox-lady  with type II diabetes getting chest compressions during my lifetime. That's sexist, right?

Some thoughts for next year's video: Maybe they could do a scene where the guy (girl?) dies, even after they do everything right. It would be more realistic; without AEDs, 90% of people die with only CPR.

There were some new, exciting bits added to the instructional part of the film. This included an emergency shaving of an overly hairy chest prior to the shock. The protagonist of the vignette (a flabby man with the aforementioned hairy chest) unflinchingly allowed his pec rug to be ripped off (apparently AED paddles take the hair with them when removed). Not all heroes wear capes.

Since I was now a grizzled CPR veteran, I used the final chest compression session to evaluate my colleagues' form. Later that day, at lunch, I shared which people I would want to work on me in the event of a coronary. This may have backfired; now I'm afraid the ones not at the top are offended and will let me die. Ah, fuck it, I'd probably be dead anyway if they were the only ones there. 

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