I saw it last night. Still very angry - I would rather shit out a tennis ball covered with razor blades than watch it again.
Ten Quick Reasons to Miss It:
(1) The main villain is a 15-year-old tech genius who decides to start shit between two superheroes for NO APPARENT REASON. He also knows their identities, again, FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
(2) The main villain is a cave troll (yeah, from Lord of the Rings). Its genitals looked like the end of a Hot Pocket. At some point it gains the ability to fly for no reason.
(3) People said the final conflict was the strongest part of the film, so I'll have a go at that: Eight seconds into the climactic battle, the US government decides to nuke the cave troll, along with Superman, the only thing on the planet that is effectively fighting the beast. They do this directly over Metropolis. The nuke turns Superman into an anorexic.
(4) What's up with the odd obsession with analog film? There's a photographer using a film camera in one of the first scenes. Lex Luther sprinkles POLAROIDS in front of Superman. Then he proceeds to give him an hour to kill Batman USING AN EGG TIMER as a measurement tool! What kind of low rent bozos are these guys?
(5) Wonder Woman takes a flight... in economy.
(6) Gotham and Metropolis are maybe 20 minutes apart (judging by how frequently the heroes commute), yet Superman and Batman have never met, despite hating each other.
(7) 40% of the movie are flashback sequences, some of which are so long you start to think the movie has skipped forward. In one of them, Batman literally has a 12-minute-long sequence where Superman rips his heart out while flying Spider-men watch.
(8) Three words: Weird Persian Aquaman.
(9) Batman spares Superman's life based entirely on the fact that their mothers have the same first name.
(10) Lex Luther can kill a senator but can't get five pounds of green metal into the United States.
(11) Related: A paralyzed,unemployed security guard can get a MASSIVE bomb into a senate hearing, presumably by hiding it up his ass.
(12) Superman personally saves Lois Lane maybe three times (once an hour, on the hour). Each time, there is a strong vibe that they're about to fuck right there in the street. There is also an "English Patient"-style lovemaking session in a bathtub early in the film.
(13) Batman is literally using a branding iron as a weapon.
(14) Batman inexplicably breaks into a maximum security prison, just to make Lex Luthor flinch.
(15) Lex Luthor is awkwardly referrred to as Alexander Luthor throughout the film. He also delivers a a cringe speech about the importance of literacy for no apparent reason.
(16) A gang of high-level terrorists capture Superman's mother, get her from Kansas to (Metropolis? East Coast) inside of an hour, then seven guys point guns at her, ready to blow her unarmed 50-year-old ass away if she even flinches.
To use the phrase du jour, there is no apparent reason to see this film. I can't go on through the haze of tears. Phantom Menace was better than this. The Joel Schumacher nipples-on-batsuit movies were fucking Citizen Kane in comparison.
I hope you were spoiled. I hope you never make the mistakes I did. I'm just sorry.
Noah's Inner Monologue
Scribblings of a man who can barely operate an idiotproof website.